Be Careful About Peer Dependency

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As homeschooling has become popular and as opportunities to participate in classes, sports teams, musical groups, and more have increased, so has the temptation for homeschooling parents to allow their children to become peer dependent. Ray and I are sad to see this. One of the most beautiful things about our homeschool experience was our children learning how to love, respect, and interact with children, peers, young parents, and older Christians.

Ray and I recently reminisced about our first experiences with English and Scottish country dancing. Our girls were teenagers when we joined weekly classes through our local recreation department. John joined later. He was reluctant at first but is now an enthusiastic dancer. Just last weekend, he and his historical dance group performed at the Sainte Genevieve Holiday Christmas Festival (Sainte Genevieve, Missouri, was settled by French Canadian colonists c. 1735-1750).

I remember our first grand balls with women in period ball gowns, and men in evening clothes, some even wearing tuxedos. We had fun while learning good dancing manners and etiquette. One teacher in particular urged us to be graceful. I can still picture the beautiful grace in her and her husband’s dancing style.

Our family at a dance ball in 2005

In those early years, by far most of the dance group was older than all five of us. Precious Bill and Edwina were much older. Our children interacted with the other class members respectfully. They soon became friends with people more than twice their ages. Our girls became such close friends with the teachers that the teachers became mentors. In a few years, our girls were both teaching. At first they taught alongside the experienced teachers. When the teachers were ready to retire, our girls took over the class. Mary Evelyn is still teaching over a quarter century after our first class.

All of our children taught children in church Bible classes. They became genuine friends with our friends and with our friends’ children, not only the ones who were the same ages but also with the children who were much younger.

Ray and I were in our early 40s when the senior citizens in our church invited us to participate in their outings. We brought our children along, and they made friends with the senior citizens, too.

Our children’s lives were richer because of their friendships with people of all ages. How sad if they had limited themselves to people their ages. Looking back, I feel sad even imagining that. I think of what John gained from his time with Ray Kinslow, an intelligent retired Christian professor who had traveled the world; of what Bethany learned from watching Lorraine, a generous and kind Southern lady; and of what Mary Evelyn enjoyed during her time with godly Garth and Terry and their young girls.

Ray Kinslow with our son John and my husband Ray

I don’t hear the “What about socialization?” question that we used to hear when we were homeschooling.  The perceived need of peer interaction is one of the reasons for the proliferation of classes, sports teams, musical groups, and such. However, if homeschooling parents are not diligent, they can rear children who are as peer dependent as are many children who attend traditional schools.

Ray and I are grateful for the organic opportunities that we purposely chose for our children to enjoy. When we adopted our list of homeschooling objectives back in 1994, nine of the items on the list were these:

• Care about others and show it in concrete ways.
• Be responsible adults.
• Love the church and build it up.
• Have good etiquette and manners.
• Help others come to know Jesus.
• Know how to have fun.
• Have good character.
• Learn to communicate.
• Be interesting.

Giving them time and taking advantage of multiage opportunities helped us reach toward those objectives. I am not setting us up as some pristine example. I’m simply sharing observations.

One time Ray and I attended a casual event with refreshments, lots of activity, and much chatter and interaction among the participants. As we walked away, I asked Ray how he felt about his interactions with the young people, many of whom we had known for years. My husband replied, “I felt invisible.”

I encourage you to take note of how your own children interact with people of all ages. How do they treat their siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents? Are they kind to young children? Do they notice, say hello to, and interact with people they know whose hair is gray, or do they rush past them to greet their peers? Do they show interest in everyone in your circle or only those their ages? Do they know how to look people in the eye and show genuine interest? Do they make others feel visible and valuable?

Children need parents who notice and who teach by word and example how to follow God’s instruction in Philippians:

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit,
but with humility of mind
regard one another as more important than yourselves;
do not merely look out for your own personal interests,
but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3-4

 

 

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