Loving, Respectful Communication

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In light of Frederick Douglass‘ description of his grandmother, I’d like for us to think further about relating to the generation older than we are. While addressing family issues, the apostle Peter wrote:

You husbands in the same way,
live with your wives in an understanding way,
as with someone weaker, since she is a woman;
and show her honor
as a fellow heir of the grace of life,
so that your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7

We wives yearn for understanding. and wives are not alone in this desire. Everyone yearns for understanding. Living with others in an understanding way is one way that we show love for one another. Understanding is impossible without communication. Communication happens best when we listen selflessly and well and when we ask questions in an honoring way.

I remember a hard conversation with my mother. What she said hurt me at the time. Later I realized that she needed to say what she did and that I needed to hear it. I never hear the term bag lady these days, but it was a common term at one time. A bag lady is a homeless woman who carries all of her belongings in a bag. One day, years before Daddy died, Mother told me that she was afraid she would become a bag lady someday. I was hurt because I thought her statement reflected badly on me. “How could she think I would let that happen to her?” I wondered. I assured her that I would take care of her and never let her fear come to pass.

Mother managed her resources very well after Daddy died and was in no danger of what she had once feared, but at the time she said it, she was afraid. A person’s fear doesn’t have to be a reality to be important. Mother needed assurance. Now I am grateful that she voiced her fear so that I could reassure her.

I encourage each of you who is blessed to have your parents still with you to:

• Find ways to ask your parents about their fears, many of which may be unspoken but deeply felt.
• Listen respectfully without judgment.
• Give assurance that you will make sure they are well cared for.
• Demonstrate your trustworthiness now in the little things and the big ones.
• Make sure that their fears are not well-grounded because of your own lack of attention.

A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water,
But a man of understanding draws it out.
Proverbs 20:5

Don’t let these subjects dominate your conversations with your parents. Don’t bring it up all the time. They still need to have fun with you.

Ray lost his mom suddenly when she was 48, and I lost Daddy suddenly when he was 72. Ray and I had the privilege and the blessing of spending thirteen years (or one-fourth) of the 51 years since our wedding caring for parents in our home, first Ray’s father and several years later, my mother. Both Ray and I miss them all.

Woman and her mother-in-law, 1940,
Maricopa County, Arizona,
photo by Russell Lee

We have become friendly with a lady who is sometimes in Ray’s pulmonary therapy sessions. Yesterday she told me about her two daughters. She said that when each of them was born, she had wanted a son. After the second daughter was born, she gave up and decided that her daughters would bring her sons through their husbands. She said that God had honored that desire. She beamed, saying that one of her sons-in-law calls her Mom.

Ray loved my parents very much and took such good care of Mother. I only had a chance to know Ray’s mother for one year, but his Daddy and I had a close bond.

Loving the older generation isn’t always easy, but it is always the right thing to do. Loving us wasn’t easy either, but Jesus did it anyway. His love required Him to lay down His life. Our love requires that, too.

But God demonstrates His own love toward us,
in that while we were yet sinners,
Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8

 

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