You’re Mine! I Love You!
When Debbie was in elementary school, she found out that her mother was already expecting her when her mom and dad got married. From that time on, she felt that reality with deep pain. When Debbie was in her 50s, her mother got upset one day. The next day, she told Debbie, “I haven’t been that upset since I found out I was expecting you. I wanted to kill myself.”
When Judy and Kenny ran into Brian and Susan, they did what grandparents do — they talked about their grandchildren. Brian and Susan told about their eight. In a way that was meant to be funny, Susan said that they had made it known to their children that they were “done” with grandchildren. Their kids might have more kids, but they weren’t going to be grandparents to any more children. Eight was enough. Judy and Kenny did not see the humor. They love every minute with the four grandchildren they love and enjoy on earth, but there is more to their story–they have three grandchildren in heaven.
Both of these stories are true, though the names have been changed. I understand being upset upon learning that you are about to have a child out of wedlock, but saying the words that mother said to that very child fifty years later? That I do not understand. Neither do I understand telling your children that eight grandchildren are enough.
What has happened in our culture? What has happened in the church? Perhaps no one would justify what that mother said to her daughter, but why is it socially acceptable for grandparents to say things like this?
It is true that many medical, financial, and family issues exist that can make a mother hesitant or afraid when she learns she is unexpectedly expecting. We all feel compassion for people in those circumstances. Each of those realities must be brought in faith-filled prayer to our Holy Father.
Still, it pains my heart when careless words are spoken about the birth of a child or about the reality that this human, eternal soul exists.
Are there “enough” pink sunsets? Are there enough flowers or waterfalls or dewdrops? Are there enough hands to hold, hearts to train, or souls to nurture?
Every child deserves to be welcome–in the womb and at birth and on every day he or she lives. No child deserves to hear words to the contrary–about himself or about his siblings.
Good people say words that they should not say. Perhaps in a moment of weakness, you have said something to a child that made him or her wonder if he is truly welcome in your home and heart. God can repair these broken hearts.
He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children
and the hearts of the children to their fathers,
Malachi 4:6
We have the opportunity every day to restore relationships with people we have hurt. We can apologize. We can say the words we should have said when we said the hurtful ones.
We live each day in a shower of God’s love. We have the daily opportunity to shower our children with ours.
Every child deserves to hear the words Jesus heard His Daddy say:
And behold, a voice out of the heavens said,
“This is My beloved Son,
in whom I am well-pleased.”
Matthew 3:17
If it is not your children, but you, who lives each day feeling unwanted by your own father or mother, remember that God is “a father of the fatherless.” You are His beloved. You have the precious opportunity to show your children that they are your beloved and that they are His.
Sing to God, sing praises to His name;
Exalt Him who rides through the deserts,
Whose name is the Lord, and be jubilant before Him.
A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows,
Is God in His holy dwelling.
Psalm 65:4-5
My brother and I were adopted when he was 7 and I was 3. We weren’t siblings before. I later learned that when he was 5, my brother’s birth mother told him that she hated him and never wanted to see him again. She didn’t, until his funeral when he was 39. Our Mom’s (our real mom, our adoptive one) only comment, was that he would have rolled in his grave if he had known she was there. I have often wondered who made up that little ditty that says “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” You most often heal from physical wounds, but those mental wounds and hurtful words can last a lifetime….
What a very sad story. I’m so sorry for your brother. You are so right! Sticks and stones often heal much better than word wounds.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for speaking out about this. It is so sad that our culture sees children as a burden, and even sadder that even grandparents perpetuate this.
I am often surprised, and not in a good way, by the thoughtless and selfish things said by parents, grandparents and others about children, usually not their own.
Oh, me, too, Sara.
Thank you for this wonderful reminder to watch our words. It pains me to hear young mothers in our church, who are understandably overwhelmed with the care of little ones, vehemently say “we’re done!” If only they knew that those physically demanding years of mothering toddlers and babies will pass so quickly–and yield such rich rewards! And what will their young children think about themselves–that they were a source of overwhelming exhaustion to their parents, or a source of blessing? Just another great reminder that words do matter.
Thank you, Betsy. You are a sweet encourager. You are exactly right that those years pass so quickly and yield such rich rewards. Well said. It pains me that churches speak out against abortion and support crisis pregnancy centers without supporting the children God gives their own members.
Oh, how I agree with you. My mother never understood my desire & my husband’s to have more children. There were hurtful things said and probably hurtful replies on my part as well. Apologies are not possible, for my mother has gone on, but I have chosen to forgive. I met you at the curriculum fair in Chattanooga last July. I’m the mom who just lost her mother unexpectedly. It has been a long year since because we had another valley to walk through. We lost a baby boy when I was 18 weeks pregnant. But God is so faithful. Soon after our loss I heard the poem “Footprints” read aloud & wept because I know He carried us through that valley and is continuing to heal our hearts. We are taking a spring break of sorts to visit my dad right now. I need the change of pace as much as the children and am hoping to get some enthusiasm back into our homeschool days when we return to routine. I enjoy reading your blog posts. They are uplifting and help me relax at the end of the day. God bless you!
I remember talking with you at Chattanooga. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and your precious baby boy. Ray says that a lot of life is about learning how to handle losses. That may sound negative, but those are wise words. It is good that you have been able to forgive your mother. I hope you have a wonderful visit with your dad. Please give yourself time to heal. It is okay if it takes longer than you think it should and longer than others think it should. Thank you for your encouragement about the blog posts. May God bless you, too.
Beautiful thoughts! As a mom who wanted a whole lotta kids and wasn’t able to have as many as I dreamed (we have 3), I actually envy those with so many little birds in their nest. I would love to have as many grandchildren (one of these days) as God would give and that my children would be willing to have.
Thank you, Rebecca. I know these feelings very well and I feel for you. Like you, if I were the old woman in the shoe, I sure would be a happy mama.
Thank you! My husband and I had a surprise baby. I endured some of the most hurtful comments during that time. I was devastated and angry. Angry that Christians could be that cold;….angry that people within the church could respond that way. I’ve spent the last two years trying to “get over” the responses. I mean would it have been that hard for Christian women to assure me that God had a plan and that this baby was welcomed? Nevertheless, two years later we are enjoying this beautiful little girl and she is the perfect addition to our older three children. Thank you for bringing awareness to this problem.
You’re welcome, Allison. I am sure that I too would struggle as you have about the hurtful comments. I just don’t understand this at all. When a loving husband and wife find out they are expecting a baby, it is a joy, a blessing, a wonderful event. Christians should know that! Congratulations!! I am so very happy for you. What a blessed child she is!
I’m late to this post, but wanted to comment anyway..
The story about Brian and Susan got me. My own mother has told me not to have any more children (we have four on earth, one in heaven), not because of my health (I’m in my early 40s and had gestational diabetes with my last pregnancy three years ago) but because she “can’t afford it.” We do not receive any financial support from her at all; she means for Christmas and birthday gifts, even though we’ve assured her that the kids would simply be happy to just spend one on one time with her for their gift. And she is more than financially comfortable anyway. It upsets me to hear her say this anytime I express a desire for more children. As Mother Teresa said, saying there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers. I’m just glad to know there are still people in the world who feel the way I do. Your blog is a comfort and I appreciate your writing very much.
I am so very sorry that your mom feels this way, Andrea. I know it hurts very much. Thank you for sharing this hurt with me. I do care very much. I will pray for you and your mom.
With concern,
Charlene