Jessica, Don’t Contradict Me!
When my close friend Terry complimented my hair recently, I immediately began telling her that I didn’t like how it looked that day. I later realized that I should have smiled and said a hearty “Thank you.” Though I didn’t mean to be unkind, I was actually contradicting her—for no good reason. I was questioning her judgment without realizing it.
No, my hair didn’t look like this!
An official coiffure created and approved
by the Exhibit Committee of the Hairdressers Show and Convention,
at the Hotel Pennsylvania, New York City, September 25, 1934.
Photograph by Joseph Capilgine. Courtesy Libary of Congress.
While we were rearing our children, a church friend gave me a bit of mothering advice that I remembered many times and still think of often. My friend said, “Save your nos.” We should save our contradictions, too.
Perhaps you have heard or experienced (perhaps often) a conversation something like this:
“Jessica, I saw you hit your brother.”
“No, I didn’t, Mom!”
“Jessica, don’t contradict me. I saw you.”
Parents are quick to tell their children not to contradict. They are correct to do so. Children’s contradictions are easy to recognize. Our own contradictions are not always so easy to see.
Lying is always wrong, but sometimes people make a misstatement. It isn’t a lie; it is simply a mistake. When that happens, it is often kinder to let it pass than to point it out. Sometimes when a family member tells a story, he gets so excited telling it that he gets mixed up in a detail, perhaps about the place or the time. Often a super-diligent family member says something like this: “No, it wasn’t in the backyard! It was in the front yard!” or “No, no, no. It wasn’t in late October! Remember? It was the first week of November!”
If the fact isn’t crucial, does the storyteller really need to be corrected? What is the purpose of the contradiction? Is it to prove that one person’s memory is better than another person’s?
Before we contradict someone—say a family storyteller—we should first decide if the contradiction is truly important. If we decide that it is, then we should decide when and where we should mention the error. If we decide that the contradiction is necessary, we should speak with the kind of heart that Paul described in Colossians 3:12: a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. However, oftentimes, I think the most compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, and patient thing to do is to save our contradictions.
We should be careful how we contradict adults and how we contradict children, too. This is a fine balance. Children have so much to learn, and parents have so much to teach them. Sometimes they must be contradicted. When they must, then they need us to be compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, and patient with them, too—first, because God told us to be that way; second, because our example is how they learn to be that way with others.
Some children seem to be hypervigilant about catching both other children and adults in a spoken mistake, and they are quick to correct them. Parents should help their children learn to discern in what circumstances a contradiction is appropriate and when it is not. They should also observe children closely to discern why the child is doing this. The child may be trying to make up for feelings of being inferior to other people, or the child may actually feel superior. Neither feelings of inferiority or superiority are spiritually healthy.
Perhaps the child is following the example of their parents. We should always ask ourselves: How did I make the other person feel when I said such and such? Was that comment really necessary?
When Ray and I went to a restaurant recently, he decided to order a favorite appetizer instead of a meal. The server’s demeanor had been slightly negative already. Perhaps she was having a hard day. When Ray placed his order, she questioned his order and told him unpleasantly, “That’s an appetizer.” This was an example of an unnecessary statement that made another person seem inferior or uninformed.
Waitress Delia Kane at the Exchange Luncheon,
Boston, Massachusetts, January 1917,
Photographed by Lewis Wickes Hine. Courtesy Library of Congress.
Ray kindly replied that yes, that was what he wanted to order. The server wasn’t exactly contradicting Ray, but it did seem to be a sort of correction. We need to save our corrections, too.
So, as those who have been chosen of God,
holy and beloved,
put on a heart of compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness and patience . . .Â
Colossians 3:12
Good reminders! Thank you for this post. I wanted to mention a third possible reason why a child (or adult) might correct or contradict others when it isn’t necessary… One of my children has severe OCD. Clinical OCD, the kind that can be crippling. For him, any inaccuracy is the same as a lie. So it’s been a hard concept for him, learning to let some inaccuracies go in the name of love and kindness, when those inaccuracies don’t cause a problem. Truth is so very important, but it needs the balance of grace! He’s still learning. In fact, I’m going to show him your post for today!